A Return to Blogging?

I've been thinking about whether to blog or not to blog for quite awhile. I felt like blogging was bringing me down in some ways before, and in other ways, a form of therapy. I have spent far too much time in my life dwelling on my own imperfections, and what I tend to blog about is how badly I want to lose weight, be healthier and (of late) have children. Granted, it was a rough summer emotionally. With the news of our fertility challenges back in June, I've found myself battling depression for several months. I tried so hard to hide it. For several weeks, I hibernated. Not alot of people know still what we've been presented with. My neighbor even asked me late in July if I was mad about something because it had been so long since she'd seen or heard from me. I sat in my house a LOT this summer, waiting and hoping to be reached out TO by my friends and loved ones and concentrating my relationship to my husband and to just a few friends who I knew wouldn't remind me of babies or pregnancy or anything of the sort. I avoided my friends who were pregnant or have just had babies because it just hurt too much. I know that it's really not fair to them, but I sure hope they understand - especially the ones who know. And I think they do. I realize I can't avoid it forever, but there were days when I just couldn't get out of bed. Yesterday, we got the final word that pregnancy the "old fashioned" way is not a possibility for us, and I'm really trying hard to not let it get me as down as it did earlier in the summer. I have alot to focus on for the upcoming weekend, so we'll see how I do when all of the excitement passes...
I've come to terms with alot of it now. I am actually seeing a therapist for the first time this week to talk about it. I'm seeing an herbalist to help me with natural mood enhancers. I resigned from my board position for my professional organization this month to dedicate a chunk of time concentrating on me. Something I really haven't done in a number of years!

That said, not all of the summer was bad. I had an amazing camping trip with old friends that really helped me forget everything going on in my life. It's amazing how you can reunite with a group of people and suddenly be transported back to worry-free days when you saw them often. Except we're all grown up and responsible now. So a weekend of drinking and live music is just a fantastic way to reminisce about those carefree days and get away from life.


Two ladies I adore and got to spend a fabulous weekend with. One of whom I have spent far too little keeping up with this summer.

Chris and I also took a fantastic vacation to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. We went to San Francisco and wine country for a week. It was one of the best vacations of my life, and I was truly able to put all of my worries aside for 11 whole days while we were there and the few days afterwards that we had together at home. I expected to love it out there - all the great foods, the big city, the cultural offerings and the character of San Francisco - but I sure didn't expect it to be as beautiful as it was! Everywhere we went!


One of my favorite photos from our vacation/5th wedding anniversary trip. We LOVED San Francisco!

For our anniversary, we had some "family" photos taken. Yes, we are those people who take photos with the dog. But we just adore this little critter, and our photographers did such a fantastic job of capturing us.


Family photo taken on our wedding anniversary, September 4, 2009.

So while we've had our ups and downs, I'm focusing really hard on myself, and I plan to share some of that here, as well as things that keep me going. I hope not to focus solely on the lack of children in our home, or the number on the scale, or the money we need to save for some of the big decisions we have ahead in terms of pursuing having a child in our lives, but about taking care of myself and making sure my husband is doing the same. I am certain we deserve it!

All gushy inside

:)

Tonight I met up shortly with my friend Kelly. One of my oldest and still dearest friends. She was in town from Cleveland for her sister's bachelorette party, and is 6 months pregnant. I haven't seen her since she was very newly pregnant (and what's pretty funny is that I knew then that she was pregnant and she didn't know it yet!). Chris and I crashed the party for a bit to hang out with her. It was so great to see her. And she has got to be the cutest pregnant lady i've seen since the Nino's came to visit a couple of years ago! :)

It's been a great long weekend so far. Chris and I went up to Yellow Springs yesterday. We planned on hiking, but the rain kept us from that, so had lunch and then we shopped most of the day. I bought some really beautiful amber earrings and a hand-cranked flashlight/radio combo. I also bought a Christmas gift for my mother in law. Then we went to Young's Dairy for some fabulous ice cream.

For our anniversary, Chris and I went to the CAC. Then we went out to dinner at Riverside Korean. Wow, was it amazing!

Today I have been pretty worn out. I spent the morning relaxing on my front porch, enjoying the weather. I read and took a nap this afternoon, and Chris went out on a little-mini road trip while I went to church and then to the grocery store. I came home and tried out a recipe from a Rachel Ray cookbook that my Mom gave me last year for a Mexican Chorizo stoop. It wasn't bad, though I substituted the Tomatillos for tomatoes from my Mom's garden, and used chicken Chorizo from the farmer's market to lighten the recipe up. It turned out pretty well.

Tomorrow is a double baby shower for my two cousin's wives. And I'm sure I'll have to field the "when are you having a baby?" question at least a few times tomorrow, and it's very hard for me at this point not to get upset when people ask me that question and not have the urge to say "it's really none of your business!"

But I do plan to enjoy every last minute of that one last day off of work! :)

Four Years

I'm not working today, yet i'm having quite a bit of trouble sleeping this morning as I unwind from all the things going on.

Chris and I took today and tomorrow off of work to celebrate our fourth anniversary, which is today.

I woke up this morning reflecting on that, of course, and marveling at the past year, which I really think may have been our hardest year yet, emotionally, on me. I have really struggled with a lot of things this year. And of course those things have affected my marriage. But I am so fortunate to be married to one of the most patient and understanding human beings I have ever met. He's just so kind and wonderful, and even when i feel i'm at my very worst, he provides me with the comfort I need, the listening I desire, and the patience to endure it all with an unwavering great attitude -- he's my biggest cheerleader.

We've had some really great times this year as well (and it's always best to end on the positive!). We shared a fantastic week-long vacation to Ontario, which is to date, one of my favorite trips we've ever taken together. It really revitalized us both in several ways. We've shared so many fun days together with family and friends, or even just movie nights at home with our dog - we both adore that family time with just the three of us!

He's my best friend, and I'm amazed that these four years have flown by so quickly! Here's to a fantastic year five!