To be or not to be?

So after a six month hiatus, I'm not sure whether to shut down or continue this blog. It's been a long and interesting six months. I have truly struggled with our infertility and I have drawn in in many ways not talking about it with anyone really, besides my husband and my therapist, and with the very few friends who have actually asked how i'm doing. Is it possible to feel trapped in your own grief? Because I do.

Regardless, I haven't decided if blogging about it will help me or not. I feel like my life is standing still at this moment, and I haven't reached whatever inspiration it is that I need to move forward. I have bought books, I have continued therapy, I have tried new eating regimens and workout regimens and things remain the same, at least emotionally.

We're headed out of town this weekend with great old friends and next week for 10 days to visit my in-laws and for Chris and i to get a few days away alone. I really hope to gain some perspective.

A Letter to My Family and Friends

Dear Family and Friends:

If I've worked up the nerve in the last several months and specifically in the last week to talk to you and confide in you about the news that we cannot have children, I have one simple request for you. While I know you're trying your best to be supportive, show concern, and be sensitive to a situation that more than likely causes you to be uncomfortable, please do us one favor: do not let the first question out of your mouth be "have you thought about adoption?"

The answer is, yes, we've thought about it. But the point is that when you ask that question you completely dismiss our feelings on the matter, and the fact that we are mourning a loss in our lives. Adoption is not easy. It's not an easy decision emotionally, financially or physically. And even though we want to proceed with the process, it requires a LOT of thought and decision making. Simply telling us you love us, you're keeping us in your thoughts, and making us laugh is what we need most.

Love,
Nikki

A Return to Blogging?

I've been thinking about whether to blog or not to blog for quite awhile. I felt like blogging was bringing me down in some ways before, and in other ways, a form of therapy. I have spent far too much time in my life dwelling on my own imperfections, and what I tend to blog about is how badly I want to lose weight, be healthier and (of late) have children. Granted, it was a rough summer emotionally. With the news of our fertility challenges back in June, I've found myself battling depression for several months. I tried so hard to hide it. For several weeks, I hibernated. Not alot of people know still what we've been presented with. My neighbor even asked me late in July if I was mad about something because it had been so long since she'd seen or heard from me. I sat in my house a LOT this summer, waiting and hoping to be reached out TO by my friends and loved ones and concentrating my relationship to my husband and to just a few friends who I knew wouldn't remind me of babies or pregnancy or anything of the sort. I avoided my friends who were pregnant or have just had babies because it just hurt too much. I know that it's really not fair to them, but I sure hope they understand - especially the ones who know. And I think they do. I realize I can't avoid it forever, but there were days when I just couldn't get out of bed. Yesterday, we got the final word that pregnancy the "old fashioned" way is not a possibility for us, and I'm really trying hard to not let it get me as down as it did earlier in the summer. I have alot to focus on for the upcoming weekend, so we'll see how I do when all of the excitement passes...
I've come to terms with alot of it now. I am actually seeing a therapist for the first time this week to talk about it. I'm seeing an herbalist to help me with natural mood enhancers. I resigned from my board position for my professional organization this month to dedicate a chunk of time concentrating on me. Something I really haven't done in a number of years!

That said, not all of the summer was bad. I had an amazing camping trip with old friends that really helped me forget everything going on in my life. It's amazing how you can reunite with a group of people and suddenly be transported back to worry-free days when you saw them often. Except we're all grown up and responsible now. So a weekend of drinking and live music is just a fantastic way to reminisce about those carefree days and get away from life.


Two ladies I adore and got to spend a fabulous weekend with. One of whom I have spent far too little keeping up with this summer.

Chris and I also took a fantastic vacation to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. We went to San Francisco and wine country for a week. It was one of the best vacations of my life, and I was truly able to put all of my worries aside for 11 whole days while we were there and the few days afterwards that we had together at home. I expected to love it out there - all the great foods, the big city, the cultural offerings and the character of San Francisco - but I sure didn't expect it to be as beautiful as it was! Everywhere we went!


One of my favorite photos from our vacation/5th wedding anniversary trip. We LOVED San Francisco!

For our anniversary, we had some "family" photos taken. Yes, we are those people who take photos with the dog. But we just adore this little critter, and our photographers did such a fantastic job of capturing us.


Family photo taken on our wedding anniversary, September 4, 2009.

So while we've had our ups and downs, I'm focusing really hard on myself, and I plan to share some of that here, as well as things that keep me going. I hope not to focus solely on the lack of children in our home, or the number on the scale, or the money we need to save for some of the big decisions we have ahead in terms of pursuing having a child in our lives, but about taking care of myself and making sure my husband is doing the same. I am certain we deserve it!

Letting Go of Stress

The past several weeks have helped me to realize that i need to learn to let go of some of my stress. It's certainly one of the causes of my weight struggles, and I firmly believe that it's responsible for the acid reflux I often experience, as well as some of the other health topics i've mentioned lately.

I've been trying hard to take care of myself a little better. REALLY take care of myself. I've been giving myself time to relax. Exercising because I know I need to, not skipping out because I feel like there are other things I NEED to do...like my volunteer work or cleaning my house, etc. That stuff can go by the wayside. And I realize I sound incredibly selfish, but guess what? Right now, it's all about ME!

I'm pretty proud of myself, too! I've started training for C25K, to run with Fat Bridesmaid in the late summer. Training has been going well, though I admit, I've fallen off the wagon a bit this weekend with two failed attempts to run with the dog, and he just hasn't behaved. It's back to the gym, or going it alone this weekend. Tomorrow I'm having a couple of girlfriends over after work for wine and dinner by the bite. Am I stressing about getting the house immaculate? No! I've picked up, I've dusted, I have a clean kitchen and (will have a) clean bathroom. So I didn't get to wash the windows...who cares? My office/desk still have a couple of piles of clutter that need a good hour of my attention to sort through. Whatever! I still have a pile of Garage Sale items to be sorted in the guest room...oh well. Do you think my friends are going to care? Not a lick. I am giving myself a much-needed break from it all!

Work has been okay of late. I've been letting things slide off my back a bit, and venting to my friend and co-worker Tim when I need to. I have been getting to the office on time, and not staying more than 30 minutes late. I get out every day at lunch for at least 10-15 minutes for fresh air and sunshine!

I started seeing an accupuncturist last weekend, and have an appointment with an herbalist next week. I'm making strides toward a healthier me, with a holistic approach to my own well-being. The accupuncture was interesting. I've been off caffeine for 6 days by his request (this is no easy task!), and have been monitoring my diet closely (though I know i'm going to be reprimanded for the 2 beers Sunday, 3 last night, and the wine tomorrow night!). I go to see him again this Saturday, and will see from there how often I want to committ to this treatment.

I hope I can report back a month from now and still say I'm doing this well in my own self-treatment! Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Question of the day

Here's an interesting situation I pose for you today about how to approach a personal matter with your superior at work.

A little backstory, however. I got the call today from the doctor's office. I will be going to see a fertility specialist soon, based on the doctor's referral and a discussion we are scheduled to have tomorrow.

I've been doing a bit of reading about infertility, and have suspected for quite a long time that my stress levels may be affecting my ability to get pregnant.

I changed jobs late last year. Unfortunately, I went from one very stressful situation to another. Granted I (only recently) maintain close to a 40 hour work week in this job, but from the time I enter the building to the time I escape it's highly stressful, with constant (proverbial) fire drills, a manager who works part time, is notorious for micromanagement, who also agrees to timelines and deadlines that are unreasonable more than I'd like to mention.

I REALLY don't want to confide in her about my fertility issues. But I also feel like I need to put it out there that I have a LEGITIMATE. MEDICAL. REASON. for needing FAR less stress in my work day, and being effective in that pursuit.

A couple of really helpful tips from one of the excerpts from a book i'm beginning to read states:

1. Try to reduce stress during treatment. Taking a walk, going to a movie, reducing work, and getting a massage are examples.
2. Be stingy with your personal time. Demands from family and friends as well as household chores can wait. Instead try to spend quality time with your partner. Share activities that in the past have been fun for the two of you.

So the question I pose to all of you -- how would you approach it?


As a side note - I resisted the urge for ice cream, and the urge to eat after I was full with dinner. These are small wins for me in a time when i'm feeling very upset and stressed. Hooray for me!

Keeping my head above water

I am anticipating a very rough week this week. I know work is going to be a bear. We're hardcore trying to finish up a site that should have been done in January, and that will mostly leave me to pick up anything that is left for the week. I was so stressed out last week that it completely knocked me on my a$$ over the weekend, which resulted in me sleeping 12 hours last night and taking a 2-hour nap today. I also broke out in hives one day this week, and if the massive blotchy patches on my face and neck don't clear up soon, I'm going to have to go to the dermatologist. I have been wondering since I broke out if these were stress-related.
I'm also anticipating a call from my doctor this week. A call that is a pretty big deal to me. After over six months of fertility medications, I am expecting a call from my gynecologist to let me know that there's nothing more he can do for me, and will be referring me to a fertility specialist. I haven't talked about it much to many people, but it's just something that's bursting out of me at this point and I have to put it out there. I've been really depressed all weekend, staring at the massive bruise from the blood work that was done on Friday. I went to a wedding shower yesterday where most of the talk was about people who were pregnant, or babies. Today I was at a first communion party surrounded by babies. It's really really hard for me. I try so hard to smile and not think about it in terms of my own situation, but I haven't been very successful.
Bottom line: I don't think this medication worked (again)...just a strong hunch, and I know how upset it got me last time I heard that news. I'm trying my best to stay positive. Three of my aunts apparently had the same problems that I am having...although the medication I am taking worked for each of them - since they each have three children!
I am ready. Readier than I have ever been, to have a child. I can't stop thinking about it. I have been patient for a year now, and I am hoping and praying that we'll get to the bottom of my infertility quickly. What's really hard for me about this is being so stubborn. I am a goal-oriented person in my professional life, and I am used to working hard for something and accomplishing my goals. And this is some place where I have no control, and no matter how hard I try, what books I read, or what foods I eat, I'm not getting what I set out for. And that's one of the hardest things for me.
I am so fortunate to have a husband who is supportive, and who I know is upset about it, too, but stays strong and positive for me!
I may not address the topic again for awhile, but I'm doing my best to keep my head above water this week and moving forward.