To be or not to be?

So after a six month hiatus, I'm not sure whether to shut down or continue this blog. It's been a long and interesting six months. I have truly struggled with our infertility and I have drawn in in many ways not talking about it with anyone really, besides my husband and my therapist, and with the very few friends who have actually asked how i'm doing. Is it possible to feel trapped in your own grief? Because I do.

Regardless, I haven't decided if blogging about it will help me or not. I feel like my life is standing still at this moment, and I haven't reached whatever inspiration it is that I need to move forward. I have bought books, I have continued therapy, I have tried new eating regimens and workout regimens and things remain the same, at least emotionally.

We're headed out of town this weekend with great old friends and next week for 10 days to visit my in-laws and for Chris and i to get a few days away alone. I really hope to gain some perspective.

A Letter to My Family and Friends

Dear Family and Friends:

If I've worked up the nerve in the last several months and specifically in the last week to talk to you and confide in you about the news that we cannot have children, I have one simple request for you. While I know you're trying your best to be supportive, show concern, and be sensitive to a situation that more than likely causes you to be uncomfortable, please do us one favor: do not let the first question out of your mouth be "have you thought about adoption?"

The answer is, yes, we've thought about it. But the point is that when you ask that question you completely dismiss our feelings on the matter, and the fact that we are mourning a loss in our lives. Adoption is not easy. It's not an easy decision emotionally, financially or physically. And even though we want to proceed with the process, it requires a LOT of thought and decision making. Simply telling us you love us, you're keeping us in your thoughts, and making us laugh is what we need most.

Love,
Nikki

Hiatus

I have decided to take an indefinite hiatus from my blog for now. Don't worry, i'll be lurking on the blogs of others for awhile. If you have good thoughts to send my way, please do so. I could use some good vibes!

I'm just busy, preoccupied and don't have the heart right now for blogging. I'll be back at some point, when I'm a better me. Promise.

Keeping my head above water

I am anticipating a very rough week this week. I know work is going to be a bear. We're hardcore trying to finish up a site that should have been done in January, and that will mostly leave me to pick up anything that is left for the week. I was so stressed out last week that it completely knocked me on my a$$ over the weekend, which resulted in me sleeping 12 hours last night and taking a 2-hour nap today. I also broke out in hives one day this week, and if the massive blotchy patches on my face and neck don't clear up soon, I'm going to have to go to the dermatologist. I have been wondering since I broke out if these were stress-related.
I'm also anticipating a call from my doctor this week. A call that is a pretty big deal to me. After over six months of fertility medications, I am expecting a call from my gynecologist to let me know that there's nothing more he can do for me, and will be referring me to a fertility specialist. I haven't talked about it much to many people, but it's just something that's bursting out of me at this point and I have to put it out there. I've been really depressed all weekend, staring at the massive bruise from the blood work that was done on Friday. I went to a wedding shower yesterday where most of the talk was about people who were pregnant, or babies. Today I was at a first communion party surrounded by babies. It's really really hard for me. I try so hard to smile and not think about it in terms of my own situation, but I haven't been very successful.
Bottom line: I don't think this medication worked (again)...just a strong hunch, and I know how upset it got me last time I heard that news. I'm trying my best to stay positive. Three of my aunts apparently had the same problems that I am having...although the medication I am taking worked for each of them - since they each have three children!
I am ready. Readier than I have ever been, to have a child. I can't stop thinking about it. I have been patient for a year now, and I am hoping and praying that we'll get to the bottom of my infertility quickly. What's really hard for me about this is being so stubborn. I am a goal-oriented person in my professional life, and I am used to working hard for something and accomplishing my goals. And this is some place where I have no control, and no matter how hard I try, what books I read, or what foods I eat, I'm not getting what I set out for. And that's one of the hardest things for me.
I am so fortunate to have a husband who is supportive, and who I know is upset about it, too, but stays strong and positive for me!
I may not address the topic again for awhile, but I'm doing my best to keep my head above water this week and moving forward.

All gushy inside

:)

Tonight I met up shortly with my friend Kelly. One of my oldest and still dearest friends. She was in town from Cleveland for her sister's bachelorette party, and is 6 months pregnant. I haven't seen her since she was very newly pregnant (and what's pretty funny is that I knew then that she was pregnant and she didn't know it yet!). Chris and I crashed the party for a bit to hang out with her. It was so great to see her. And she has got to be the cutest pregnant lady i've seen since the Nino's came to visit a couple of years ago! :)

It's been a great long weekend so far. Chris and I went up to Yellow Springs yesterday. We planned on hiking, but the rain kept us from that, so had lunch and then we shopped most of the day. I bought some really beautiful amber earrings and a hand-cranked flashlight/radio combo. I also bought a Christmas gift for my mother in law. Then we went to Young's Dairy for some fabulous ice cream.

For our anniversary, Chris and I went to the CAC. Then we went out to dinner at Riverside Korean. Wow, was it amazing!

Today I have been pretty worn out. I spent the morning relaxing on my front porch, enjoying the weather. I read and took a nap this afternoon, and Chris went out on a little-mini road trip while I went to church and then to the grocery store. I came home and tried out a recipe from a Rachel Ray cookbook that my Mom gave me last year for a Mexican Chorizo stoop. It wasn't bad, though I substituted the Tomatillos for tomatoes from my Mom's garden, and used chicken Chorizo from the farmer's market to lighten the recipe up. It turned out pretty well.

Tomorrow is a double baby shower for my two cousin's wives. And I'm sure I'll have to field the "when are you having a baby?" question at least a few times tomorrow, and it's very hard for me at this point not to get upset when people ask me that question and not have the urge to say "it's really none of your business!"

But I do plan to enjoy every last minute of that one last day off of work! :)

On the Proverbial Edge

Today I got so frustrated with someone I have repeatedly tried so hard to get along with at work that I came very close to yelling at her.

I felt it right there. It wasn't good.

I have tried in so many ways. Calls, meetings with her, meetings with my boss, emails. You name it. We have completely opposite communication styles, and I have to say that I have never EVER had this kind of a problem communicating with someone.

Even though i'm going to a very intense 3-day conference, an checking email while i'm there for work, I'm so glad to get away for a few days.

In other news, I had a very very nice weekend with my husband. In recent weekends we seemed to be arguing a lot. My thought on it all is that we really haven't had time to spend together, and we were really taking it out on one another by picking fights because we are both frustrated.

We got to sit down this weekend and really talk about focusing on our goals together. Not my goals for my career, and his goals for finishing school and focusing on a career, but our goals together. It was really really good. It's funny how a nice weekend together and a bit of communication can spark the fire all over again! I never said marriage was easy - it's a lot of work.

It's definitely worth it. Chris is definitely worth it.

Ugh! Dandelions!

I'm entirely too lazy to take any photos of what I just did, but I filled my small garden trash bin with dandelions I just dug up out of my yard. It's so exhausting!

On top of it, I just took the dog out and spied a few more that I missed. I can't decide if I should go out after more of them, or give it a rest. Chris REALLY needs to cut the grass (and I sure hope he'll be home tomorrow night to do it - in my own defense, the self-propeller is broken on our lawn mower, and I can't get it up our front yard hill, or i'd totally be out there cutting it myself, because Chris is allergic to grass and he's miserable when he cuts it!). Maybe i'll aim to go back out there Thursday night.

I LOVE gardening season, but I sure hate the weeds!

The Danish Neighbor

An update on the annoying Danish neighbor next door!

A few weeks ago, i got completely fed up with him. I know I've mentioned him here and there on my blog. Some good instances, and some bad. I guess a little backstory is in order:

In July of 2006, Michael moved in with his girlfriend, Yolanda. Yolanda was at least 15 years his senior, but a very sweet Mexican lady with grown children in Texas. She made the most amazing homemade tortillas, beans, rice and any other kind of mexican delight you can think of. And she was always sharing it. Michael went back to Denmark for a couple of weeks in August to get some things worked out with his Visa, and Yolanda was all alone in a strange city with no job, and knowing nobody. The neighborhood really took her in. She instantly became family to alot of us.

Michael's trip of a couple of weeks turned into a couple of months. He returned on Halloween. By the first week of November, things had gotten bad next door, and Yolanda had left. Another neighbor confirmed that he had seen Michael smacking her around on the front porch and dragging her in the house, and she had seen the bruises, too.

Since then i've been pretty leerie of the next door neighbor. He's had a slew of girlfriends, all much older than him (he's about 35), and many with small children. And often, one girl will leave, and the next girl will show up an hour or so later. It's really quite disgusting.

All through the shenanigans of his crazy love life, Michael's biggest hobby/pain for us has been his collection of cars. He buys broken down cars, fixes them up, and ships them to Denmark to resell. He's a mechanical engineer, so he has loads of tools and knowledge to do so. However, having 7-8 cars at a time, he has very little space to put them. So he has been parking them in his yard for the last several months - front and back yard. On top of it all, he changes the oil and dumps the motor oil in the grass and makes MY yard stink for days, not to mention what a sore sight it has become!

Right after Christmas he pulled his truck (one of them) into his driveway, but was parked on the median between our driveways. A median with grass that is my property. He has since rutted the thing so badly that the grass won't be coming back on its own, and we have a nice lawn job on the yard we work SO hard to care for. So i wrote him a letter. I was afraid to confront him, because I really don't trust the guy.

I found out yesterday from another neighbor when discussing it that Michael has rented a garage space to store his cars. As of this morning, there were only TWO cars, and they were in the driveway.

I may sound like an uber bitch, but I feel like i've won a major battle with this guy. At the very least, I won't need to feel so embarrassed to have people over to my house!

At LOOOOOONG Last!

I got promoted today!

A Few Updates

1. I definitely took the cake on the "asshole of the year" award this afternoon at my work holiday party.

2. I'm officially done with my Christmas shopping tonight -with the exception of needing to get a check to my Aunt soon. I'll have it all wrapped and under the tree by tomorrow! Hooray for me!

3. I'm a bad mom. My dog has another ear infection, so I need to go blow $80 or so at the vet tomorrow to get him the meds he needs. And it's my responsibility to keep his ears clean so this doesn't happen.

4. Work has been taking over my life. I actually FORGOT to pay last month's gas an electric bill. It just completely slipped my mind, and I can only chalk it up to my mind being constantly occupied by work.

5. Chris has been sick with a tooth infection and two sinus infections collectively for 6 weeks. If he doesn't call the doctor tomorrow, I might just strangle him!

6. I miss my friends. Online and off. I've been selfish and preoccupied, and I'm sorry. I want my life and my friends back!

The Times, They're a' Changin'

The job I have now - the supposed 'dream job' - the job I adore so much, and the team I feel so connected to has been disrupted.

I'm trying not to be so dramatic about it all, but it's really affecting me in more ways than I realized it would.

I've had a week off to process some of it, and I'm dreading going back to work on Monday. My last four days with the boss I adore. My first day, Friday, with a new interim boss who I feel I need to prove myself to all over again.

Change is good, and I know it's a sign for me to start assessing my career goals and figuring out how I can take some opportunity from this change.

Regardless, if I seem to be a little elusive over the holiday season, it's because i've got a few things on my plate right now!

In My Best Munchkin Voice..

DING DONG! THE WITCH IS DEAD! Which old witch? The WICKED witch!

Got some very good news at work today. I can't divulge in this public form, but just ask me - I am happy to share!

Realizing Something In Me Has Changed...

This morning while walking the dog, we had a confrontation with two dogs who were off the leash followed behind by a very hostile dog owner.

To back up just a bit, we are in our third week of a leash aggression class with our dog, who has developed some issues in the past year with other dogs approaching him closely while on the leash. And it's only on the leash. We've been spending family time together every morning for 30 minutes, walking with Quinn and working on some of the exercises we've been given.

This morning as we were walking Quinn, it was still dark. A black lab who looked very much like Lucy, our neighbor's dog, approached us off the leash. There was no human in sight. Quinn got excited, but he hadn't shown signs of full aggression yet. I asked Chris to check the dog's tag to make sure it wasn't Lucy. Just then a setter came out of no where and ran up right into Quinn's face, and at this point he got defensive and lost it. Barking uncontrollably. I handed the leash to Chris and proceeded to try to command the other dogs to "go" and pointed away from my dog. In any direction we moved, these dogs would follow, and they were starting to fight back.

As this was going on the owner of the dog came following behind, out of the darkness. He began yelling at me. Insulting me. Being an all around jackass. Telling me that the dogs were feeding off of my energy and I needed to be calm and leave his dogs alone.

Well a few months ago, I probably would have slunk back, like always and went on my way. Today, something snapped in me. I fought back. I told him not to speak to me in the way he was. I told him that I had no control over my dog when his dogs were not leashed and I could not get away from them. I pointed out that he was a good 30 feet behind his dogs and in no position to control the situation.

Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but it was a good victory for me, personally. A little part of me wished that Chris would have spoken up, but I know he was trying to get Quinn under control, and I probably needed to speak for myself, alone. Interestingly, he almost had the dog calmed before the jackass guy started yelling at me.

I was pretty proud of myself for standing my ground today. I felt strong and proud.

Confessions of an Insomniac

Work right now is absolute hell. I am NOT sleeping. I'm extremely burnt out. I'm dreading a drive to Evansville, IN on Monday - mostly because i'll be all alone, for a round trip in one day - for a quick photo shoot for work. 8 hours in the car (collectively) is not appealing.

You'd think that being an insomniac, i might go to the gym to work out, but honestly, my energy levels are so low, that i'm afraid to over exert myself.

The good news is that I think i've eaten well this week. I've made the effort to plan my meals (with the exception of ordering in a Chicken Gyro yesterday - YUM - but I ordered a greek salad with light feta instead of fries, and the chicken was all white meat). I haven't snacked at all, which is really good, so hopefully I can get back on track with my diet - because any new clothes I bought a couple months ago from losing 20 pounds are starting to get snug, and I can't stand it. I absolutely hate that i'm a stress eater.

Funny thing to me is that I hate exercising and i'm longing for an hour at the gym. Hopefully Sunday! Maybe even Monday before I hit the road!

I'll post more often once work settles down. And god, it HAS to soon!

Ugh.

Well the attempt to diet has not gone well. I'm such a stress eater. I've made a concerted effort every day to bring things to work that are good healthy snacks, and I've done really well all day long. But when I get home, i'm so beat from working, and just emotionally drained. I just eat whatever I can find. And I skip out on exercise. Chris rented Season 1 of Grey's Anatomy for me at the Library last night, and I watched two episodes instead of going to the gym, like i'd planned.

I just don't know how to stop this cycle. The stressful work atmosphere is not going to stop anytime soon.

In other news, we are planning a November trip to Nashville to see the Smashing Pumpkins. I can't wait! Chris, of course, is very happy because he loves the Pumpkins, but this will also require a drive that is almost entirely driving through Kentucky.

He is also strongly considering contacting his biological father. He's been in contact often through email with an 18-year old half-sister that he's only known about for a little under 2 years. It will be interesting, if nothing else.

On the DubDub Again

Today is the first day I get serious about staying on the Weight Watchers plan again. It's going to be a rough week to start, but if I don't stop making excuses, I will gain back the 20 pounds i've already lost. And I know i've gained a few of those back already.

Chris and I are participating in the Relay for Life on Friday and Saturday. From what I hear, there's just TONS and TONS of junkfood around. People sell it the whole night trying to raise more money for their teams. I need a game plan for myself. Veggies and lowfat ranch dip. Pretzels. Suggestions are welcome for what I can pack in a cooler for an overnight event to avoid sweets, hot dogs, and candy. I could use the encouragement!

Saturday night Chris and I are going to a cooking class for a beer tasting meal. I bought this for him for his birthday back in April. I am hoping to skip lunch that day, which is feasible since I will be more than likely sleeping for lack of sleep from Relay.

I need to get back to the gym as well. I am embarrassed to admit that I have not been there in a month. I keep justifying it because I am walking the dog every morning, and we've been doing physical work on the house almost nightly. Gardening, painting, cleaning out the junky basement. The gym time MUST resume though. I think Wednesday night will begin that.

I have decided that I need to set some goals for myself though, and reward myself for weight loss.

Here's the tentative reward list (this will begin from my weigh in on Friday):
10 pounds - pedicure
20 pounds - new outfit (including shoes!)
30 pounds - I haven't decided yet.

Wish me luck! Food journaling has resumed.

Feeling Discouraged

This is the second week in a row now where I have worked REALLY hard to concentrate on my dieting goals. I have been really good with my food intake. I have either worked out at the gym or walked the dog every day (sometimes both). I've gotten plenty of sleep, too, which is something I needed to catch up on, because I know being tired makes me feel hungry.
And both weeks? I get on the scale to find i've lost a pound. Now I know the trend is going in the right direction, but I feel like I've worked really hard to jump start it a bit. I've lost a total of 13 now, but I was REALLY hoping to be at the 20 mark before our trip to New York on the 18th. But Jesus, really only ONE POUND?
*sigh*
It's been a lifelong struggle for me - this weight thing. And I absolutely hate it. People aren't really even noticing yet, and that's discouraging too. I've been working on this for a solid two months now. And some days it makes me wish I was just eating what I *want* to eat!