To be or not to be?

So after a six month hiatus, I'm not sure whether to shut down or continue this blog. It's been a long and interesting six months. I have truly struggled with our infertility and I have drawn in in many ways not talking about it with anyone really, besides my husband and my therapist, and with the very few friends who have actually asked how i'm doing. Is it possible to feel trapped in your own grief? Because I do.

Regardless, I haven't decided if blogging about it will help me or not. I feel like my life is standing still at this moment, and I haven't reached whatever inspiration it is that I need to move forward. I have bought books, I have continued therapy, I have tried new eating regimens and workout regimens and things remain the same, at least emotionally.

We're headed out of town this weekend with great old friends and next week for 10 days to visit my in-laws and for Chris and i to get a few days away alone. I really hope to gain some perspective.

Holiday Slump

It's been a funny holiday season in our house. I've really been in the holiday spirit, moreso than years past, but not so much in the spirit to concentrate on myself, as my plans included in my last blog posting. I have lost a few pounds in the last month or two, but not because of a healthy plan for living - because I haven't been snacking, and most weekends i'm only eating one meal a day. I'm thinking about food far less as my mind is consumed with other things these days.

The more I think about it, it makes sense to me why I don't want to devote that time and energy. I am keeping myself busy, but I am doing anything I can to avoid really thinking about what's been going on in my life for the last year. When I have the down time, I get really down. I've been keeping myself busy with Christmas baking, holiday cards, gift wrapping and decorating.

Now I can say my baking is nearing an end (only 4 more batches to make - I should have them done by the weekend), my Christmas cards are out, my house is decorated and my shopping is done (most of the wrapping is done, too!). Yesterday it all hit me like a ton of bricks as I took the evening off to relax and found myself lounging on the couch with some sappy movies and a box of tissues.

As I approach the New Year, i'm preparing for reality to hit. I'm working on a household budget, and trying really hard to talk myself into a healthy diet an exercise plan that I can settle into. I've started a list of creative projects for myself, including an Etsy shop to sell some of these projects (I am thinking birthday, birth announcements, wedding and baby shower and thank you cards, mostly). I'm trying to carve out some time to market myself as a freelance designer as well. I think keeping busy is going to be the key to staying on track.

Not exactly a New Year's resolution yet, but I'm getting there. What are you working towards this Holiday season?

My Guiltiest Pleasures

I figured i'd start a little meme up here with some of my guilty pleasures. Things I don't normally admit too much to. Just for fun. Here goes:

1. 90210 (the original, and preferrably the high school years). It's on SoapNet nightly, and I watch it far too often!
2. Justin Timberlake. For real. Love him. And I'm such a music snob otherwise.
3. Crocs. I'll admit it, they're ugly as sin. But they are comfortable and I wear them around the house and the neighborhood all the time. But I will often deny their existence to my designer friends. :)
4. Michelina's Lean Gourmet Buffalo Chicken Rolls. I know they're packed full of preservatives and even though they say they're low fat, they're not good for me in any way. But once in awhile, they sure do curb that craving for buffalo wings instead of fatty greasy wings!
5. Target. Yes, I'm all about supporting local businesses, buying green products, whole foods and sustainable items. But a girl can't find plus size organic cotton/hemp/whatever clothing in boutique shops, unfortunately. I've always had a secret love for Target. It didn't always used to be so secret. But I definitely only make about 3 trips yearly, as opposed to the weekly trips I made previously.

What are your five guiltiest pleasures? Share them here or post them to your blog!

A Letter to My Family and Friends

Dear Family and Friends:

If I've worked up the nerve in the last several months and specifically in the last week to talk to you and confide in you about the news that we cannot have children, I have one simple request for you. While I know you're trying your best to be supportive, show concern, and be sensitive to a situation that more than likely causes you to be uncomfortable, please do us one favor: do not let the first question out of your mouth be "have you thought about adoption?"

The answer is, yes, we've thought about it. But the point is that when you ask that question you completely dismiss our feelings on the matter, and the fact that we are mourning a loss in our lives. Adoption is not easy. It's not an easy decision emotionally, financially or physically. And even though we want to proceed with the process, it requires a LOT of thought and decision making. Simply telling us you love us, you're keeping us in your thoughts, and making us laugh is what we need most.

Love,
Nikki

Hiatus

I have decided to take an indefinite hiatus from my blog for now. Don't worry, i'll be lurking on the blogs of others for awhile. If you have good thoughts to send my way, please do so. I could use some good vibes!

I'm just busy, preoccupied and don't have the heart right now for blogging. I'll be back at some point, when I'm a better me. Promise.

A Cute Day!

There's alot to be said about your general outlook on life when you take the time to plan your wardrobe for the day, fix your hair and makeup, and all around invest the time in your own appearance to feel better.

I treated myself to a couple of new tops at Old Navy yesterday. This was one of them. And I felt really cute today! I also love the shoes I wore - I haven't gotten them out of the closet in a month or two because heels don't always feel as good as flats - but they sure are cute!


Another blurry photo...sorry folks! But can you tell how much I love green?


Shoes - i love these black wedges. They go so well with almost anything, and toe cleavage is never a bad thing!

More Gratitude

Because I feel the need, here's another list of things I am grateful for!

1. The three day weekend (three and a half days for me!). I really really needed this again, and Chris and I didn't have a whole lot planned. It's amazing how wonderful being at home and having no plans really can be!
2. A fridge packed with healthy foods, veggies and fruits. I'm so excited to cook meals at home this week and eat all these goodies. Anybody have a good suggestion for using up a load of snap peas? They came in my delivery Friday, and I have to figure out what to use them for...
3. The Sunday Times at my front door this morning.
4. A good review from the accupunture doctor. He was really proud of the food I ate this week. But he asked me to cut out refined sugar completely. I told him that was going to be hard. But I am going to do it, at least for a little while. :)
5. The amazing lunch I had yesterday with a good good friend. I am still thinking about that amazing (and healthy!) lunch. YUM YUM YUM.

Letting Go of Stress

The past several weeks have helped me to realize that i need to learn to let go of some of my stress. It's certainly one of the causes of my weight struggles, and I firmly believe that it's responsible for the acid reflux I often experience, as well as some of the other health topics i've mentioned lately.

I've been trying hard to take care of myself a little better. REALLY take care of myself. I've been giving myself time to relax. Exercising because I know I need to, not skipping out because I feel like there are other things I NEED to do...like my volunteer work or cleaning my house, etc. That stuff can go by the wayside. And I realize I sound incredibly selfish, but guess what? Right now, it's all about ME!

I'm pretty proud of myself, too! I've started training for C25K, to run with Fat Bridesmaid in the late summer. Training has been going well, though I admit, I've fallen off the wagon a bit this weekend with two failed attempts to run with the dog, and he just hasn't behaved. It's back to the gym, or going it alone this weekend. Tomorrow I'm having a couple of girlfriends over after work for wine and dinner by the bite. Am I stressing about getting the house immaculate? No! I've picked up, I've dusted, I have a clean kitchen and (will have a) clean bathroom. So I didn't get to wash the windows...who cares? My office/desk still have a couple of piles of clutter that need a good hour of my attention to sort through. Whatever! I still have a pile of Garage Sale items to be sorted in the guest room...oh well. Do you think my friends are going to care? Not a lick. I am giving myself a much-needed break from it all!

Work has been okay of late. I've been letting things slide off my back a bit, and venting to my friend and co-worker Tim when I need to. I have been getting to the office on time, and not staying more than 30 minutes late. I get out every day at lunch for at least 10-15 minutes for fresh air and sunshine!

I started seeing an accupuncturist last weekend, and have an appointment with an herbalist next week. I'm making strides toward a healthier me, with a holistic approach to my own well-being. The accupuncture was interesting. I've been off caffeine for 6 days by his request (this is no easy task!), and have been monitoring my diet closely (though I know i'm going to be reprimanded for the 2 beers Sunday, 3 last night, and the wine tomorrow night!). I go to see him again this Saturday, and will see from there how often I want to committ to this treatment.

I hope I can report back a month from now and still say I'm doing this well in my own self-treatment! Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Keeping my head above water

I am anticipating a very rough week this week. I know work is going to be a bear. We're hardcore trying to finish up a site that should have been done in January, and that will mostly leave me to pick up anything that is left for the week. I was so stressed out last week that it completely knocked me on my a$$ over the weekend, which resulted in me sleeping 12 hours last night and taking a 2-hour nap today. I also broke out in hives one day this week, and if the massive blotchy patches on my face and neck don't clear up soon, I'm going to have to go to the dermatologist. I have been wondering since I broke out if these were stress-related.
I'm also anticipating a call from my doctor this week. A call that is a pretty big deal to me. After over six months of fertility medications, I am expecting a call from my gynecologist to let me know that there's nothing more he can do for me, and will be referring me to a fertility specialist. I haven't talked about it much to many people, but it's just something that's bursting out of me at this point and I have to put it out there. I've been really depressed all weekend, staring at the massive bruise from the blood work that was done on Friday. I went to a wedding shower yesterday where most of the talk was about people who were pregnant, or babies. Today I was at a first communion party surrounded by babies. It's really really hard for me. I try so hard to smile and not think about it in terms of my own situation, but I haven't been very successful.
Bottom line: I don't think this medication worked (again)...just a strong hunch, and I know how upset it got me last time I heard that news. I'm trying my best to stay positive. Three of my aunts apparently had the same problems that I am having...although the medication I am taking worked for each of them - since they each have three children!
I am ready. Readier than I have ever been, to have a child. I can't stop thinking about it. I have been patient for a year now, and I am hoping and praying that we'll get to the bottom of my infertility quickly. What's really hard for me about this is being so stubborn. I am a goal-oriented person in my professional life, and I am used to working hard for something and accomplishing my goals. And this is some place where I have no control, and no matter how hard I try, what books I read, or what foods I eat, I'm not getting what I set out for. And that's one of the hardest things for me.
I am so fortunate to have a husband who is supportive, and who I know is upset about it, too, but stays strong and positive for me!
I may not address the topic again for awhile, but I'm doing my best to keep my head above water this week and moving forward.

Success!

I have been planning a professional speaking event for nine months that happened this past Tuesday. This is one of the main reasons I have been so busy in the new year. I am happy to report that it was a raging success. I raised enough money to bring in five speakers (two local, three national) to speak on sustainability as it pertains to my profession, beginning the night with companies exhibiting their goods, and happy hour with free booze. Who doesn't love free stuff?

We sold out - 130 people. And to boot, the speakers that I had the privilege of entertaining while they were here were fantastic people. Staying up playing pool and having beers with one of your professional heroes - a guy that is WELL known throughout my profession - was just out of this world. I managed to make a few bucks on the event as well for the chapter. I came out of the event totally inspired to set some professional goals for myself and to reach out to a new contact about some insights and opportunities.

On the flip side, I'm feeling a little sad that it's all over. It was sort of like planning a wedding - you plan and plan and plan for nine months, all the people come out that you had hoped would be there, and then it's just over so quickly. And it's a little sad.

But I definitely think it's motivating me to take better care of myself. I really put myself and my health last over the past couple of months, and my body is really feeling the effects.

I'm up today to start the week off fresh with a trip to the public market and a little later, a trip to the gym.

I love the weekend!

Single for a weekend

Chris is on furlough next week, and decided that it would be a good opportunity to go visit his Mom. I totally agreed, and secretly was excited that I wouldn't be going along this time.
He left last night, after I'd had an awful meeting with my boss - after week where my small team of four became a team of two. I really didn't want him to leave, but of course, I wasn't going to ask him to stay!

Thank goodness for a good night's rest and a little perspective.

Today has been really great. I love my husband, but had no idea how having today to myself would be such a good thing for me. I did run around with my friend Linda today for a bit, but I got a lot of cleaning done, treated myself to a trip to the Container Store (heaven!), and spent some quality time with the dog. I really think I just needed some time for ME. Not worrying about anything else, staying on my own agenda, and doing some things that were really fulfilling.

I'm sure by the end of tomorrow i'm going to be going crazy wishing Chris was coming back sooner than Wednesday, but for now, i'm soaking in the alone time. I forgot how much I always valued my alone time before I met him. I think it's SOOOOO healthy for both of us.

And I really can't wait for him to see all the work i've done around the house by the time he gets home on Wednesday. Cleaning and organizing has helped lift the funk i've been in for several weeks!

More coming soon - these have been some trying and very busy weeks for me!

A word (or two) from my vacation

1. I love my husband. he's such a good sport.
2. it's good to let loose.
3. i love the nino's.
4. i love spending the night at the nino's
5. i love the name 'geee mahh" from liam
6. i love the nino's

Taking my life back

Today was the day that my boss told the office I was leaving. It was a bit of a wild day. A woman I work with who used to be a boss of mine pulled me in her office and started crying, and told me that I needed to help fill my position and interview candidates before I leave. Ugh.

Regardless, I was in at 8am (a tad early), took a 90 minute lunch, and left at 5pm. And I haven't been more productive in months at home! I came home, had some dinner and sent several emails i've been neglecting to send for my professional association.

Then I walked with the dog, talked with my neighbor friend, did dishes, cleaned up my kitchen, put away several items that belonged in the basement, did two loads of laundry (and folded it!), vacuumed upstairs and down, and dusted the woodwork and furniture upstairs. Tomorrow night, Chris and I are going to tackle the yard. It desperately needs to be weeded.

I'm so excited to have energy back! I feel like I have my life back. It's WONDERFUL. I really hope this continues into my new job, because I really had no idea how much the stress was taking out of me until tonight. I feel like a new person.

Now i'm going to go curl up with my husband, who just got home from a late city council meeting!

Four Years

I'm not working today, yet i'm having quite a bit of trouble sleeping this morning as I unwind from all the things going on.

Chris and I took today and tomorrow off of work to celebrate our fourth anniversary, which is today.

I woke up this morning reflecting on that, of course, and marveling at the past year, which I really think may have been our hardest year yet, emotionally, on me. I have really struggled with a lot of things this year. And of course those things have affected my marriage. But I am so fortunate to be married to one of the most patient and understanding human beings I have ever met. He's just so kind and wonderful, and even when i feel i'm at my very worst, he provides me with the comfort I need, the listening I desire, and the patience to endure it all with an unwavering great attitude -- he's my biggest cheerleader.

We've had some really great times this year as well (and it's always best to end on the positive!). We shared a fantastic week-long vacation to Ontario, which is to date, one of my favorite trips we've ever taken together. It really revitalized us both in several ways. We've shared so many fun days together with family and friends, or even just movie nights at home with our dog - we both adore that family time with just the three of us!

He's my best friend, and I'm amazed that these four years have flown by so quickly! Here's to a fantastic year five!

Derby Day!

People in Kentucky take the Kentucky Derby VERY seriously. That's why celebrating with Jenni and Aaron Huff is such a delight!

Bourbon balls (0r cubes), mint juleps, cornhole, jello shots, KFC (YUM! brands), a visit from the cops, and White Castles at the end of the night.

And a "doing dinner soon is NOT an option, it's a must, by one councilman, Mr. Huff made it SUCH a fun night!

And yes, it's 12:40, and i'm going to bed. But 8 hours of drinking is pretty good for me these days!

GAAHHHH

I really need to get my head back on straight. Seriously. I feel like I need a week break from work to reassess some of my own goals, both personally and professionally. The events of last week (boy it was a bad one, i won't even go into it) really are hitting me hard and I'm just exhausted.

I really can't afford to take more time off of work with all that's going on, but i'm really not motivated to start tackling it all. Alot if it's very exciting, and I have a good opportunity to make some impact with my colleague.

Anyone have any suggestions for renewing of the spirit?

A New Blog

This was in no way a resolution, but just a necessary part of what I want to accomplish this year.

I've started a weight loss blog to help me track my own journey, and a way to solicit some encouragement as well, i guess!

Check in if you're interested, here.

I can't wait to look back a few months from now and read my own journey.

A Happy New Year?

2008 has not been off to a good start in our house. It's really quite frustrating. I won't go into it, but we took this weekend to just relax and slow down. So far, so good.

I took this coming Friday off to invest in myself. I need it. And i'm spending tomorrow preparing for that. Elusive? Yes. But hopefully, there will be good things to share soon!

A Few Updates

1. I definitely took the cake on the "asshole of the year" award this afternoon at my work holiday party.

2. I'm officially done with my Christmas shopping tonight -with the exception of needing to get a check to my Aunt soon. I'll have it all wrapped and under the tree by tomorrow! Hooray for me!

3. I'm a bad mom. My dog has another ear infection, so I need to go blow $80 or so at the vet tomorrow to get him the meds he needs. And it's my responsibility to keep his ears clean so this doesn't happen.

4. Work has been taking over my life. I actually FORGOT to pay last month's gas an electric bill. It just completely slipped my mind, and I can only chalk it up to my mind being constantly occupied by work.

5. Chris has been sick with a tooth infection and two sinus infections collectively for 6 weeks. If he doesn't call the doctor tomorrow, I might just strangle him!

6. I miss my friends. Online and off. I've been selfish and preoccupied, and I'm sorry. I want my life and my friends back!

The Times, They're a' Changin'

The job I have now - the supposed 'dream job' - the job I adore so much, and the team I feel so connected to has been disrupted.

I'm trying not to be so dramatic about it all, but it's really affecting me in more ways than I realized it would.

I've had a week off to process some of it, and I'm dreading going back to work on Monday. My last four days with the boss I adore. My first day, Friday, with a new interim boss who I feel I need to prove myself to all over again.

Change is good, and I know it's a sign for me to start assessing my career goals and figuring out how I can take some opportunity from this change.

Regardless, if I seem to be a little elusive over the holiday season, it's because i've got a few things on my plate right now!