It's been a funny holiday season in our house. I've really been in the holiday spirit, moreso than years past, but not so much in the spirit to concentrate on myself, as my plans included in my last blog posting. I have lost a few pounds in the last month or two, but not because of a healthy plan for living - because I haven't been snacking, and most weekends i'm only eating one meal a day. I'm thinking about food far less as my mind is consumed with other things these days.
The more I think about it, it makes sense to me why I don't want to devote that time and energy. I am keeping myself busy, but I am doing anything I can to avoid really thinking about what's been going on in my life for the last year. When I have the down time, I get really down. I've been keeping myself busy with Christmas baking, holiday cards, gift wrapping and decorating.
Now I can say my baking is nearing an end (only 4 more batches to make - I should have them done by the weekend), my Christmas cards are out, my house is decorated and my shopping is done (most of the wrapping is done, too!). Yesterday it all hit me like a ton of bricks as I took the evening off to relax and found myself lounging on the couch with some sappy movies and a box of tissues.
As I approach the New Year, i'm preparing for reality to hit. I'm working on a household budget, and trying really hard to talk myself into a healthy diet an exercise plan that I can settle into. I've started a list of creative projects for myself, including an Etsy shop to sell some of these projects (I am thinking birthday, birth announcements, wedding and baby shower and thank you cards, mostly). I'm trying to carve out some time to market myself as a freelance designer as well. I think keeping busy is going to be the key to staying on track.
Not exactly a New Year's resolution yet, but I'm getting there. What are you working towards this Holiday season?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
The Herbal Option
For several weeks I've been moping. I haven't been going to the gym regularly. I've been eating out far too often, and though I am certainly not overeating, I have not been making good food choices. Not nearly enough vegetables, far too much sugar and carbohydrates in general, and fried foods galore.
Today I talked myself into stopping all of that and putting my best foot forward again. I met with my herbalist today. We've been working together for several months, but because she had major surgery and major recovery that followed, I just got my teas today. I'm really excited about it. She concocted a loose tea blend just for me. It's called "Nikki's Tea." :) The herbs and roots in it were combined to help me in three areas that we identified to help my body: Weight loss, mood enhancement and digestion. My first batch of tea is steeping now, and since it contains various roots, it's supposed to steep overnight. I can't wait to try it in the morning. 1-2 cups per day.
Along with it, she gave me a list of recommendations for eating and supplements to keep up. I took a trip to whole foods and stocked up on organic foods for the week. I spent a good portion of the day cooking in preparation of packing my lunch at least 4 times this week, and being prepared to cook meals that will be easy to make after work. I went to the gym and hit the arc trainer for an hour tonight. And it felt fantastic to be there and to be back. I've even turned down two invites for things to do this week knowing that it's not about what I want to look like or what size I want to wear, but that my body needs me to do what's right and get my own care in check.
I don't expect these teas to work miracles. But I do expect to see some small improvements in my energy level, my cravings, and hopefully my digestive problems. I have promised myself that it's okay to slip up sometimes, or skip a day at the gym if my heels are bothering me (which i am certain is because of excess weight, and why I had to stop my running training), but I have to get right back on the path afterwards. Not the next day, but the next moment.
I think I make it too hard for myself sometimes, and if I focus less on how food makes me feel and more about what it does for me, I should be able to maintain this focus.
Today I talked myself into stopping all of that and putting my best foot forward again. I met with my herbalist today. We've been working together for several months, but because she had major surgery and major recovery that followed, I just got my teas today. I'm really excited about it. She concocted a loose tea blend just for me. It's called "Nikki's Tea." :) The herbs and roots in it were combined to help me in three areas that we identified to help my body: Weight loss, mood enhancement and digestion. My first batch of tea is steeping now, and since it contains various roots, it's supposed to steep overnight. I can't wait to try it in the morning. 1-2 cups per day.
Along with it, she gave me a list of recommendations for eating and supplements to keep up. I took a trip to whole foods and stocked up on organic foods for the week. I spent a good portion of the day cooking in preparation of packing my lunch at least 4 times this week, and being prepared to cook meals that will be easy to make after work. I went to the gym and hit the arc trainer for an hour tonight. And it felt fantastic to be there and to be back. I've even turned down two invites for things to do this week knowing that it's not about what I want to look like or what size I want to wear, but that my body needs me to do what's right and get my own care in check.
I don't expect these teas to work miracles. But I do expect to see some small improvements in my energy level, my cravings, and hopefully my digestive problems. I have promised myself that it's okay to slip up sometimes, or skip a day at the gym if my heels are bothering me (which i am certain is because of excess weight, and why I had to stop my running training), but I have to get right back on the path afterwards. Not the next day, but the next moment.
I think I make it too hard for myself sometimes, and if I focus less on how food makes me feel and more about what it does for me, I should be able to maintain this focus.
Monday, November 09, 2009
My Guiltiest Pleasures
I figured i'd start a little meme up here with some of my guilty pleasures. Things I don't normally admit too much to. Just for fun. Here goes:
1. 90210 (the original, and preferrably the high school years). It's on SoapNet nightly, and I watch it far too often!
2. Justin Timberlake. For real. Love him. And I'm such a music snob otherwise.
3. Crocs. I'll admit it, they're ugly as sin. But they are comfortable and I wear them around the house and the neighborhood all the time. But I will often deny their existence to my designer friends. :)
4. Michelina's Lean Gourmet Buffalo Chicken Rolls. I know they're packed full of preservatives and even though they say they're low fat, they're not good for me in any way. But once in awhile, they sure do curb that craving for buffalo wings instead of fatty greasy wings!
5. Target. Yes, I'm all about supporting local businesses, buying green products, whole foods and sustainable items. But a girl can't find plus size organic cotton/hemp/whatever clothing in boutique shops, unfortunately. I've always had a secret love for Target. It didn't always used to be so secret. But I definitely only make about 3 trips yearly, as opposed to the weekly trips I made previously.
What are your five guiltiest pleasures? Share them here or post them to your blog!
1. 90210 (the original, and preferrably the high school years). It's on SoapNet nightly, and I watch it far too often!
2. Justin Timberlake. For real. Love him. And I'm such a music snob otherwise.
3. Crocs. I'll admit it, they're ugly as sin. But they are comfortable and I wear them around the house and the neighborhood all the time. But I will often deny their existence to my designer friends. :)
4. Michelina's Lean Gourmet Buffalo Chicken Rolls. I know they're packed full of preservatives and even though they say they're low fat, they're not good for me in any way. But once in awhile, they sure do curb that craving for buffalo wings instead of fatty greasy wings!
5. Target. Yes, I'm all about supporting local businesses, buying green products, whole foods and sustainable items. But a girl can't find plus size organic cotton/hemp/whatever clothing in boutique shops, unfortunately. I've always had a secret love for Target. It didn't always used to be so secret. But I definitely only make about 3 trips yearly, as opposed to the weekly trips I made previously.
What are your five guiltiest pleasures? Share them here or post them to your blog!
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
A Letter to My Family and Friends
Dear Family and Friends:
If I've worked up the nerve in the last several months and specifically in the last week to talk to you and confide in you about the news that we cannot have children, I have one simple request for you. While I know you're trying your best to be supportive, show concern, and be sensitive to a situation that more than likely causes you to be uncomfortable, please do us one favor: do not let the first question out of your mouth be "have you thought about adoption?"
The answer is, yes, we've thought about it. But the point is that when you ask that question you completely dismiss our feelings on the matter, and the fact that we are mourning a loss in our lives. Adoption is not easy. It's not an easy decision emotionally, financially or physically. And even though we want to proceed with the process, it requires a LOT of thought and decision making. Simply telling us you love us, you're keeping us in your thoughts, and making us laugh is what we need most.
Love,
Nikki
If I've worked up the nerve in the last several months and specifically in the last week to talk to you and confide in you about the news that we cannot have children, I have one simple request for you. While I know you're trying your best to be supportive, show concern, and be sensitive to a situation that more than likely causes you to be uncomfortable, please do us one favor: do not let the first question out of your mouth be "have you thought about adoption?"
The answer is, yes, we've thought about it. But the point is that when you ask that question you completely dismiss our feelings on the matter, and the fact that we are mourning a loss in our lives. Adoption is not easy. It's not an easy decision emotionally, financially or physically. And even though we want to proceed with the process, it requires a LOT of thought and decision making. Simply telling us you love us, you're keeping us in your thoughts, and making us laugh is what we need most.
Love,
Nikki
Sunday, October 18, 2009
A Return to Blogging?
I've been thinking about whether to blog or not to blog for quite awhile. I felt like blogging was bringing me down in some ways before, and in other ways, a form of therapy. I have spent far too much time in my life dwelling on my own imperfections, and what I tend to blog about is how badly I want to lose weight, be healthier and (of late) have children. Granted, it was a rough summer emotionally. With the news of our fertility challenges back in June, I've found myself battling depression for several months. I tried so hard to hide it. For several weeks, I hibernated. Not alot of people know still what we've been presented with. My neighbor even asked me late in July if I was mad about something because it had been so long since she'd seen or heard from me. I sat in my house a LOT this summer, waiting and hoping to be reached out TO by my friends and loved ones and concentrating my relationship to my husband and to just a few friends who I knew wouldn't remind me of babies or pregnancy or anything of the sort. I avoided my friends who were pregnant or have just had babies because it just hurt too much. I know that it's really not fair to them, but I sure hope they understand - especially the ones who know. And I think they do. I realize I can't avoid it forever, but there were days when I just couldn't get out of bed. Yesterday, we got the final word that pregnancy the "old fashioned" way is not a possibility for us, and I'm really trying hard to not let it get me as down as it did earlier in the summer. I have alot to focus on for the upcoming weekend, so we'll see how I do when all of the excitement passes...
I've come to terms with alot of it now. I am actually seeing a therapist for the first time this week to talk about it. I'm seeing an herbalist to help me with natural mood enhancers. I resigned from my board position for my professional organization this month to dedicate a chunk of time concentrating on me. Something I really haven't done in a number of years!
That said, not all of the summer was bad. I had an amazing camping trip with old friends that really helped me forget everything going on in my life. It's amazing how you can reunite with a group of people and suddenly be transported back to worry-free days when you saw them often. Except we're all grown up and responsible now. So a weekend of drinking and live music is just a fantastic way to reminisce about those carefree days and get away from life.
Two ladies I adore and got to spend a fabulous weekend with. One of whom I have spent far too little keeping up with this summer.
Chris and I also took a fantastic vacation to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. We went to San Francisco and wine country for a week. It was one of the best vacations of my life, and I was truly able to put all of my worries aside for 11 whole days while we were there and the few days afterwards that we had together at home. I expected to love it out there - all the great foods, the big city, the cultural offerings and the character of San Francisco - but I sure didn't expect it to be as beautiful as it was! Everywhere we went!
One of my favorite photos from our vacation/5th wedding anniversary trip. We LOVED San Francisco!
For our anniversary, we had some "family" photos taken. Yes, we are those people who take photos with the dog. But we just adore this little critter, and our photographers did such a fantastic job of capturing us.
Family photo taken on our wedding anniversary, September 4, 2009.
So while we've had our ups and downs, I'm focusing really hard on myself, and I plan to share some of that here, as well as things that keep me going. I hope not to focus solely on the lack of children in our home, or the number on the scale, or the money we need to save for some of the big decisions we have ahead in terms of pursuing having a child in our lives, but about taking care of myself and making sure my husband is doing the same. I am certain we deserve it!
I've come to terms with alot of it now. I am actually seeing a therapist for the first time this week to talk about it. I'm seeing an herbalist to help me with natural mood enhancers. I resigned from my board position for my professional organization this month to dedicate a chunk of time concentrating on me. Something I really haven't done in a number of years!
That said, not all of the summer was bad. I had an amazing camping trip with old friends that really helped me forget everything going on in my life. It's amazing how you can reunite with a group of people and suddenly be transported back to worry-free days when you saw them often. Except we're all grown up and responsible now. So a weekend of drinking and live music is just a fantastic way to reminisce about those carefree days and get away from life.
Two ladies I adore and got to spend a fabulous weekend with. One of whom I have spent far too little keeping up with this summer.
Chris and I also took a fantastic vacation to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. We went to San Francisco and wine country for a week. It was one of the best vacations of my life, and I was truly able to put all of my worries aside for 11 whole days while we were there and the few days afterwards that we had together at home. I expected to love it out there - all the great foods, the big city, the cultural offerings and the character of San Francisco - but I sure didn't expect it to be as beautiful as it was! Everywhere we went!
One of my favorite photos from our vacation/5th wedding anniversary trip. We LOVED San Francisco!
For our anniversary, we had some "family" photos taken. Yes, we are those people who take photos with the dog. But we just adore this little critter, and our photographers did such a fantastic job of capturing us.
Family photo taken on our wedding anniversary, September 4, 2009.
So while we've had our ups and downs, I'm focusing really hard on myself, and I plan to share some of that here, as well as things that keep me going. I hope not to focus solely on the lack of children in our home, or the number on the scale, or the money we need to save for some of the big decisions we have ahead in terms of pursuing having a child in our lives, but about taking care of myself and making sure my husband is doing the same. I am certain we deserve it!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Monday, July 06, 2009
Reflections on a once in a lifetime experience
Yesterday afternoon, I had the pleasure of observing my husband meet his biological father for the first time. He is so fortunate to have had quite a wonderful experience with this, and today I am still glowing with happiness for him.
To make a long story short (without family politics or anything too terribly personal), my husband's parents had him when his mother was just 17, and his father was 20. They were married shortly before he was born, and the marriage only lasted about 3 years. The last time Chris saw his father was when he was 5 years old. He's not exactly sure why. It's not something that was really mentioned much during his childhood. And his mother remarried soon after his last visit with his real Dad, and Chris grew up with a father figure that he has called "Dad" and step-siblings who he has always considered his real siblings. The few times I encountered Chris ask about his real Dad, it was obvious that it was still a sore subject with his mother 25-30 years later.
About four years ago, my husband received an email from a half-sister, then 16, who wanted to know who he was, and whose curiosity led her to reaching out to him. For four years, he has spoken to this sister (now 20), and eventually the younger sister (now 19), but not their father. They've exchanged pleasantries and photos of each other. About a month ago we went to a concert and the two sisters were there - Cincinnati is such a small place! This led to my husband getting up the nerve to call his Dad, only after the two sisters broke the news to their Dad for the first time that they'd been talking to their brother for nearly four years via email.
They've had several long phone conversations over the course of the last month. And they've kept it light. No long explanations, or anger or awkwardness, just a mutual agreement that they are both sad that they missed out on one another's lives.
Last night we were invited to come to their home and meet the family. Chris was a bit reluctant and scared, but i'm so proud of him for taking the step to go. It was such a great experience. There's so much to be said for Nature vs Nurture. He is so much like his dad in personality, in looks, and in mannerisms. See the photo below:
Left to right: Jes, Sara, Chris & Mike
I feel so fortunate to have witnessed this experience. The sheer joy on his father's face, and the pride in his voice that I saw as Chris told him about his childhood, his college and military days, his career and our life together are something I will never forget. And the light in Chris' eyes to hear about some of his Dad's interests that are so similar to his own - baseball, trains, bluegrass, and beer - still has me all mushed up inside in excitement for him.
I look forward to observing how their relationship grows (though I am certain it will be a cautious and slow process by my husband's wishes), and I realize that sharing this experience with my husband has further strengthened our marriage. I just cannot express the admiration I feel for him after enduring such an emotional and very scary situation and coming out with what seems to be a very good outcome for all!
To make a long story short (without family politics or anything too terribly personal), my husband's parents had him when his mother was just 17, and his father was 20. They were married shortly before he was born, and the marriage only lasted about 3 years. The last time Chris saw his father was when he was 5 years old. He's not exactly sure why. It's not something that was really mentioned much during his childhood. And his mother remarried soon after his last visit with his real Dad, and Chris grew up with a father figure that he has called "Dad" and step-siblings who he has always considered his real siblings. The few times I encountered Chris ask about his real Dad, it was obvious that it was still a sore subject with his mother 25-30 years later.
About four years ago, my husband received an email from a half-sister, then 16, who wanted to know who he was, and whose curiosity led her to reaching out to him. For four years, he has spoken to this sister (now 20), and eventually the younger sister (now 19), but not their father. They've exchanged pleasantries and photos of each other. About a month ago we went to a concert and the two sisters were there - Cincinnati is such a small place! This led to my husband getting up the nerve to call his Dad, only after the two sisters broke the news to their Dad for the first time that they'd been talking to their brother for nearly four years via email.
They've had several long phone conversations over the course of the last month. And they've kept it light. No long explanations, or anger or awkwardness, just a mutual agreement that they are both sad that they missed out on one another's lives.
Last night we were invited to come to their home and meet the family. Chris was a bit reluctant and scared, but i'm so proud of him for taking the step to go. It was such a great experience. There's so much to be said for Nature vs Nurture. He is so much like his dad in personality, in looks, and in mannerisms. See the photo below:
Left to right: Jes, Sara, Chris & Mike
I feel so fortunate to have witnessed this experience. The sheer joy on his father's face, and the pride in his voice that I saw as Chris told him about his childhood, his college and military days, his career and our life together are something I will never forget. And the light in Chris' eyes to hear about some of his Dad's interests that are so similar to his own - baseball, trains, bluegrass, and beer - still has me all mushed up inside in excitement for him.
I look forward to observing how their relationship grows (though I am certain it will be a cautious and slow process by my husband's wishes), and I realize that sharing this experience with my husband has further strengthened our marriage. I just cannot express the admiration I feel for him after enduring such an emotional and very scary situation and coming out with what seems to be a very good outcome for all!
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