A Return to Blogging?

I've been thinking about whether to blog or not to blog for quite awhile. I felt like blogging was bringing me down in some ways before, and in other ways, a form of therapy. I have spent far too much time in my life dwelling on my own imperfections, and what I tend to blog about is how badly I want to lose weight, be healthier and (of late) have children. Granted, it was a rough summer emotionally. With the news of our fertility challenges back in June, I've found myself battling depression for several months. I tried so hard to hide it. For several weeks, I hibernated. Not alot of people know still what we've been presented with. My neighbor even asked me late in July if I was mad about something because it had been so long since she'd seen or heard from me. I sat in my house a LOT this summer, waiting and hoping to be reached out TO by my friends and loved ones and concentrating my relationship to my husband and to just a few friends who I knew wouldn't remind me of babies or pregnancy or anything of the sort. I avoided my friends who were pregnant or have just had babies because it just hurt too much. I know that it's really not fair to them, but I sure hope they understand - especially the ones who know. And I think they do. I realize I can't avoid it forever, but there were days when I just couldn't get out of bed. Yesterday, we got the final word that pregnancy the "old fashioned" way is not a possibility for us, and I'm really trying hard to not let it get me as down as it did earlier in the summer. I have alot to focus on for the upcoming weekend, so we'll see how I do when all of the excitement passes...
I've come to terms with alot of it now. I am actually seeing a therapist for the first time this week to talk about it. I'm seeing an herbalist to help me with natural mood enhancers. I resigned from my board position for my professional organization this month to dedicate a chunk of time concentrating on me. Something I really haven't done in a number of years!

That said, not all of the summer was bad. I had an amazing camping trip with old friends that really helped me forget everything going on in my life. It's amazing how you can reunite with a group of people and suddenly be transported back to worry-free days when you saw them often. Except we're all grown up and responsible now. So a weekend of drinking and live music is just a fantastic way to reminisce about those carefree days and get away from life.


Two ladies I adore and got to spend a fabulous weekend with. One of whom I have spent far too little keeping up with this summer.

Chris and I also took a fantastic vacation to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. We went to San Francisco and wine country for a week. It was one of the best vacations of my life, and I was truly able to put all of my worries aside for 11 whole days while we were there and the few days afterwards that we had together at home. I expected to love it out there - all the great foods, the big city, the cultural offerings and the character of San Francisco - but I sure didn't expect it to be as beautiful as it was! Everywhere we went!


One of my favorite photos from our vacation/5th wedding anniversary trip. We LOVED San Francisco!

For our anniversary, we had some "family" photos taken. Yes, we are those people who take photos with the dog. But we just adore this little critter, and our photographers did such a fantastic job of capturing us.


Family photo taken on our wedding anniversary, September 4, 2009.

So while we've had our ups and downs, I'm focusing really hard on myself, and I plan to share some of that here, as well as things that keep me going. I hope not to focus solely on the lack of children in our home, or the number on the scale, or the money we need to save for some of the big decisions we have ahead in terms of pursuing having a child in our lives, but about taking care of myself and making sure my husband is doing the same. I am certain we deserve it!

To Blog or Not to Blog?

That is the question!

Reflections on a once in a lifetime experience

Yesterday afternoon, I had the pleasure of observing my husband meet his biological father for the first time. He is so fortunate to have had quite a wonderful experience with this, and today I am still glowing with happiness for him.

To make a long story short (without family politics or anything too terribly personal), my husband's parents had him when his mother was just 17, and his father was 20. They were married shortly before he was born, and the marriage only lasted about 3 years. The last time Chris saw his father was when he was 5 years old. He's not exactly sure why. It's not something that was really mentioned much during his childhood. And his mother remarried soon after his last visit with his real Dad, and Chris grew up with a father figure that he has called "Dad" and step-siblings who he has always considered his real siblings. The few times I encountered Chris ask about his real Dad, it was obvious that it was still a sore subject with his mother 25-30 years later.

About four years ago, my husband received an email from a half-sister, then 16, who wanted to know who he was, and whose curiosity led her to reaching out to him. For four years, he has spoken to this sister (now 20), and eventually the younger sister (now 19), but not their father. They've exchanged pleasantries and photos of each other. About a month ago we went to a concert and the two sisters were there - Cincinnati is such a small place! This led to my husband getting up the nerve to call his Dad, only after the two sisters broke the news to their Dad for the first time that they'd been talking to their brother for nearly four years via email.

They've had several long phone conversations over the course of the last month. And they've kept it light. No long explanations, or anger or awkwardness, just a mutual agreement that they are both sad that they missed out on one another's lives.

Last night we were invited to come to their home and meet the family. Chris was a bit reluctant and scared, but i'm so proud of him for taking the step to go. It was such a great experience. There's so much to be said for Nature vs Nurture. He is so much like his dad in personality, in looks, and in mannerisms. See the photo below:


Left to right: Jes, Sara, Chris & Mike

I feel so fortunate to have witnessed this experience. The sheer joy on his father's face, and the pride in his voice that I saw as Chris told him about his childhood, his college and military days, his career and our life together are something I will never forget. And the light in Chris' eyes to hear about some of his Dad's interests that are so similar to his own - baseball, trains, bluegrass, and beer - still has me all mushed up inside in excitement for him.

I look forward to observing how their relationship grows (though I am certain it will be a cautious and slow process by my husband's wishes), and I realize that sharing this experience with my husband has further strengthened our marriage. I just cannot express the admiration I feel for him after enduring such an emotional and very scary situation and coming out with what seems to be a very good outcome for all!

A tribute to my Dad!

I should have posted this yesterday. But I wanted to make a special post here about my Dad. Whom I just adore! Isn't he cute?

Keeneland, April 2009

Some qualities I inherited from my Dad:
His sense of humor
His blue eyes
His fun-loving spirit
His sense of adventure
His political and spiritual beliefs
His love of food (but obviously, not his metabolism!)
His love for my mother
His appreciation for music
His curiosity
His generosity

I am so fortunate to have this man in my life. He makes me laugh so much almost every day. Some of my best childhood memories are of times with my Dad - at ball games, camping, fishing, buying my first car, and teaching me how to drive. I'm so glad that as an adult my Dad is also my friend. He is just an amazing person. I love you, Dad!

On Second Thought...

Maybe my hiatus will be short-lived here. I thought about this long and hard over the last month while my postings have been pretty light. But i'm moving forward with this blog, even though I have days and weeks when I don't feel like writing, or wonder if this blog is really serving any purpose. Today I realized it's serving a good purpose to myself for recording my life in some aspects, as well as my triumphs and my struggles.

Last week was a pretty rough one for me. The weekend turned out to be really great. I have my ups and my downs, but doesn't everybody? What has really struck a chord with me the past couple of days is that THIS TIME when I had the roughest of weeks, I didn't fall back on food. I stayed on track. I ate right. I resisted the sweets - without blinking an eye. And I plan to get back to the exercise regimen tomorrow (the virus i've had is finally clearing up enough that I feel up for a session on the elliptical, or maybe at least a long walk with the dog tomorrow morning).

I have truly made a life change for myself this time. It's been a month, and i've lost 9 pounds. Not bad, right? I have more energy than I've had in years! My summer capris that I was lamenting a month ago which didn't fit? I'm back in them again! I realize that in all my years of doing Weight Watchers, i never really gave up the things that are not good for me, I just compensated in other ways. And really, once you've given them up for a couple of weeks, the cravings aren't so bad.

So, what am I doing?

• Eating Whole Grains (no white flour)
• Eating LOTS of fruits and vegetables (especially green ones!)
• Eating lean protein (beans and chicken are my friend!)
• Drinking LOTS of water
• Cut out the caffeine (yes, really - and I was a coffee and diet coke fanatic! though i do have the occasional green tea 1-2 times per week)
• Cut out the sugar (i've had only 3 servings of sugary food items in 4 weeks...)
• Cut out the artificial sweetener
• Exercising a bunch (training with the C25K program and doing the elliptical machine so that I at least get 30 mins of cardio every day).
• Taking my vitamins! I've never been very good at this before.
• Taking time for myself - i've been planning less for my social life, and purposely scheduling nights to myself each week to plan meals, relax, read, and overall de-stress (if you don't recall, I am a stress eater!)

Hiatus

I have decided to take an indefinite hiatus from my blog for now. Don't worry, i'll be lurking on the blogs of others for awhile. If you have good thoughts to send my way, please do so. I could use some good vibes!

I'm just busy, preoccupied and don't have the heart right now for blogging. I'll be back at some point, when I'm a better me. Promise.

A Cute Day!

There's alot to be said about your general outlook on life when you take the time to plan your wardrobe for the day, fix your hair and makeup, and all around invest the time in your own appearance to feel better.

I treated myself to a couple of new tops at Old Navy yesterday. This was one of them. And I felt really cute today! I also love the shoes I wore - I haven't gotten them out of the closet in a month or two because heels don't always feel as good as flats - but they sure are cute!


Another blurry photo...sorry folks! But can you tell how much I love green?


Shoes - i love these black wedges. They go so well with almost anything, and toe cleavage is never a bad thing!